Big Choices, blog, Separation

Big Leaps

I’ve been reticent to write about some of the leaps that have happened this year.  Well, one in particular, but it’s almost the one year anniversary so I can’t pretend it isn’t real.  Just the other day was the one year anniversary of when things started going really wrong.

The real anniversary isn’t until just after Family day weekend.  That’s when I entered into the most difficult talk with my partner to tell him I couldn’t keep living like we were.  He had been telling me for months how miserable he was, how miserable we were.  I insisted that we were not doing as badly has he thought.  That with two small kids and opposite work schedules that all we needed was more time to share as a couple and be more connected.  That we needed to stop ‘just getting by’ as a family.  His response was ‘it’s too late for date nights to fix this’.  But offered no other solutions, just unrelenting discord.

After three months I couldn’t take it any more.  We were stalled and my suggestions were falling on deaf ears, while he continued to make daily life miserable.  I told him we couldn’t continue to live under the same room and work out our issues.  I told him to leave, when he could.  He left that day without another word and didn’t contact us again until I reached out a few days later.  He left angry and it’s almost a year later and that hasn’t subsided.

And so this post is to say out-loud, something I haven’t said out-loud:  it’s over.  My relationship of almost 15 years, that brought two amazing kids into this world, that took me on travels to so many far away places, that I thought was emerging out of the dark difficult days having small kids, has ended.

Why has it taken a year to come to this conclusion?  Because I thought it would possibly work out.  That was the original plan: get some space to stop the negative spiral and get help and perspective.  Instead, I’ve been relieved and happy without him and he’s become so much more angry and entrenched in holding a grudge against me for ‘kicking him out’.

And also, because I have kids.  Kids who want their father home and who I haven’t been able to tell that he’s not coming back.  Not because I am too scared to have that conversation (I was the one left alone to explain the separation) but because I haven’t had it with my ex-partner.  We haven’t said it’s over and it feels wrong to tell the kids before then.  But then it seems like that’s what he wants; for us to live in limbo until I step up as the bad guy and deal the final blow.  He wants to be the victim.

A year is a long time.  Perhaps being the victim or the bad guy is irrelevant now.  It just matters that we move forward.

blog, Minimalism, The Chaos

Yard sale dynamics

I made an insane last minute decision the other week to host a yard sale. And then went completely crazy emptying every room in my house of unwanted or rarely used belongings.
I talk more about that process in another post but this one is about the actual sale. I ended up doing two sales as one ended up being on such a cold day that almost nobody was outside and I barely made $20 after 4 hours.
The second attempt had decent weather and more traffic but after an hour I simply got bored. Plus I would rather do something else on my weekends. The kids were all over the place so I decided to throw in the towel. But what to do with all of the stuff I’d dragged out of my house? I sure as heck didn’t want it back in!
I put the few valuable items I wanted to try posting on Kijiji inside. Then I put out a jar that said “pay here” and walked away.
As it turns out my sale was more of a success by walking away. Some people definitely outright stole things, but most paid “something” and many were even quite fair.
The problem I have with yard sales is that so many people who come want to nickel and dime you for quality items but the next moment they will walk into a dollar store and will pay for absolute crap without a moment of hesitation.
The unmonitored sale allowed people to shop without being watched and to pay what their conscience felt was fair. Thieves stole. The cheapskates and those who want to rip you off gave nickels for quality goods. And those who don’t believe in giving less than sticker price gave whatever my tag suggested.
In the end, I didn’t want any of this stuff in my house anymore so it didn’t bother me to have some of it stolen. I was actually quite elated and even surprised each time I checked the jar to find a few more dollars. ‎ Plus I didn’t waste a day being frustrated by insulting offers when I could be with my kids.
Sometimes walking away is the best choice 😉